Peeling Celery is the Superior Way

Around 12:40 p.m. on November 14, 2022 at Mountain View High School, the author of this article discovered that celery can be peeled to remove the tough strings. Since then, peeled celery has become the superior version of celery in his eyes.

Celery with the skin is a below average food, “by [itself] a 3” Sorensen says, rating celery out of 10.

Celery without the skin is outstanding. Peeled celery being superior to unpeeled is backed by an interview with an annual celery eater, Kaden Sorensen. “Never had it,” Sorensen said when asked what he would rate peeled celery out of 10.

A couple seconds later when forced to rate peeled celery out of 10, Sorensen rated it a “1” out of 10. From Sorensen’s rating of peeled celery, we can see that he believes peeled celery is first place on the scale of vegetables.

The tough stringiness of celery is what “…makes it celery,” Sorensen says. The stringy part of celery can be hard to chew and make the overall experience of eating celery below average.

Even though peeling celery and removing the tough stringiness may take away from celery what makes it celery, Sorensen states that “No,” removing the skin and stringiness of celery would not make a piece of celery not celery anymore. Providing this evidence, we can be assured that peeling celery will vastly improve the eating experience of celery while still being celery.

In a recent survey, 17 people were asked whether they peel their celery or not. Only one person out of the 17 peeled their celery. That one person was Juan Salazar.

Juan has eaten peeled celery for most of his life. “When I was little my mom would be cooking with celery and peel [them] for me as a little snack, soon I’d grow up always being told I should peel them,” Salazar says.

Salazar has had the privilege of eating peeled celery for so long. “I never thought about it, I would have celery and it’ll just be in the back of my mind when I struggle to eat them sometimes.” Without even knowing, Salazar has kept the amazing technique of peeling celery a secret from those around him.

Salazar even witnessed another celery peeler sharing his wisdom, a boy from middle school who said to another in the lunchroom, “You know you’re supposed to peel these right?” This method of peeling celery should not be kept secret and should be common sense across the globe. Sadly, most people aren’t like this middle school boy and instead are like Salazar, not even thinking to share their knowledge of peeling celery to those around them.

Some people oppose celery being transformed into a better version of itself, an evolved form. “I have eaten celery all my life, but recently I became aware of a horrible fallacy that has shattered my vision of reality,” Jack Reed says. “Celery had absolutely no nutritional value. It actually takes more calories to digest [than] it gives you. I am embarking on a spiritual journey to eradicate celery as a vegetable.” We must stop these people. These people who are trying to end celery all together when the author of this article just found a superior way to eat celery.
We must spread word of this superior method and make celery great again.